As a parent you want to protect your children from pain and suffering. This is an instinct that will last even after your children are grown. It’s important to understand that this caregiver/protector role is normal, but equally important to recognize the difference between guiding a child and offering tools to cope, and rescuing them by being overly protective in an attempt to lessen their emotional pain.
The greatest way to preserve innocence and a sensitive spirit is not so much by censoring your child’s world, but by supporting and encouraging communication when he comes up against adversity.
These early years in your child’s life allow him to experience the world in a controlled setting. You, as his parent and primary caregiver, have the privilege to steer values which will be consistent with what you hold important within your family dynamic. As your child gets older it won’t be possible to shelter him from the outside world, and you shouldn’t feel compelled to do so.
Work now while your child is young to help him make good choices, praising freely when he does. If he comes up against something that is different from what he knows to be right, for instance a bully on the playground, give him ways to cope with his feelings. Instead of rescuing your child from the situation, offer options on how to deal with the problem. Reinforce your values, but also help him to make sense of the opposing view. This allows your child see possible reasons for the bully’s behavior. Talk about how the other child might be having a hard day, or how maybe someone in his world bullies him a lot instead of giving hugs. This type of conversation takes the focus off of your child, lessens his defensiveness, and allows him to feel empathetic rather than cynical. His own sensitivity is protected because he doesn’t take the conflict personally. He begins to reach out rather than blame. He moves forward lovingly instead of joining the opposition in anger.
The world is filled with many difficulties. Ignoring the ugliness, or hiding from it, only allows it to go on. We become effective in preserving the innocence and sensitivity by understanding the conflict, and in our willingness to communicate, we demonstrate a better way.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
How do I stop feeling overwhelmed with the need to protect my children from the world? Some days I find myself consumed with worry about how my kids will "turn out", desperate to keep them surrounded by people who will embrace and encourage their sweet little personalities and insatiable curiosity. How do I find a balance between teaching my kids how to be problem solvers in the "real" world while preserving their innocence and sensitive spirits? Lisa-West Chicago
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Do you have any advice on taking the paci away? I am thinking tonight when Elizabeth is sleeping the Pacifier Fairy is going to take it and I’ll decorate her room with balloons and a present. What do you think? I don’t think she’ll put it in a box and give it away like people recommend.-- Diana -- Chicago
When a child begins to verbalize, generally around the age of two, you should use that communication as the intended tool. Keep in mind, your daughter is at a stage where she is feeling out her independence, and so she may question and disagree with you. That is a mark of intelligence, though it does not mean that you should give in to her cleverness; you are the parent, and to do this well, you must be consistent and teach her what she needs to know at the appropriate times in her life.
Two years of age is an appropriate time to end the use of a pacifier, but at this age you should talk to her about getting rid of it. She is too old to have the paci just 'disappear' because she is also, in this stage, learning to trust. Honor that trust by being truthful.
To pack up the paci and give it away might suggest to her that you think someone else is more deserving. Keep in mind that this is a cherished item, much like a favorite blanket.
My suggestion would be this-
For the first two days, when you give the paci to your daughter, remark that she will soon be old enough that she won't need it anymore! Repeat this throughout the day. This should be said with excitement, not distain. Children want to get 'big'! They look forward to this in many ways, so make this one of them!
On the third day, early, before she becomes tired or in need of the pacifier, exclaim, "This is the day. You are finally old enough to get rid of the paci!"
Let her see how proud of her you are.
Then together, embark on a paci hunt!
Take a trash bag and look for the pacifiers which have been hidden ahead of time. Make a game of throwing them out, and as you enjoy this fun with your daughter, help her to understand that this is the end of the paci. When they have all been collected, off to the garbage they go! Celebrate with a balloon, a small toy, or by calling Daddy at work!
If she asks for her pacifier later, just remind her that they were thrown out after the hunt. Don't make a big deal of it. She was part of it. Let her feel some responsibility. She is growing up appropriately!
Some tips:
1) Make certain that all pacifiers are collected! This will not work if one is found tomorrow under the couch or in the car.
2) You must be consistent here in order to build trust. Do not give in to tears later that night, or all your work will be in vain.
3) Be sure all caregivers are on board. You don’t want Grandma to inadvertently undo what you have done.
4) You are correct, your two-year old should be off the paci, so be strong. It doesn't make it easier as she gets older.
Good parenting works best with loving consistency.
Two years of age is an appropriate time to end the use of a pacifier, but at this age you should talk to her about getting rid of it. She is too old to have the paci just 'disappear' because she is also, in this stage, learning to trust. Honor that trust by being truthful.
To pack up the paci and give it away might suggest to her that you think someone else is more deserving. Keep in mind that this is a cherished item, much like a favorite blanket.
My suggestion would be this-
For the first two days, when you give the paci to your daughter, remark that she will soon be old enough that she won't need it anymore! Repeat this throughout the day. This should be said with excitement, not distain. Children want to get 'big'! They look forward to this in many ways, so make this one of them!
On the third day, early, before she becomes tired or in need of the pacifier, exclaim, "This is the day. You are finally old enough to get rid of the paci!"
Let her see how proud of her you are.
Then together, embark on a paci hunt!
Take a trash bag and look for the pacifiers which have been hidden ahead of time. Make a game of throwing them out, and as you enjoy this fun with your daughter, help her to understand that this is the end of the paci. When they have all been collected, off to the garbage they go! Celebrate with a balloon, a small toy, or by calling Daddy at work!
If she asks for her pacifier later, just remind her that they were thrown out after the hunt. Don't make a big deal of it. She was part of it. Let her feel some responsibility. She is growing up appropriately!
Some tips:
1) Make certain that all pacifiers are collected! This will not work if one is found tomorrow under the couch or in the car.
2) You must be consistent here in order to build trust. Do not give in to tears later that night, or all your work will be in vain.
3) Be sure all caregivers are on board. You don’t want Grandma to inadvertently undo what you have done.
4) You are correct, your two-year old should be off the paci, so be strong. It doesn't make it easier as she gets older.
Good parenting works best with loving consistency.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Daylight Savings Time
The clocks spring forward tomorrow, and with that, a few extra beats have been added to my heart.
There will be daylight remaining at the end of my workday. I know from past experience, daylight savings time is like an energy drink; along with the extra light comes a boost of adrenaline.
The power of my mind is my greatest asset.
Daylight savings time does not add time, for there are still twenty-four hours in my day. The immediate one hour difference in the amount of light I experience, will however, push my mind to create what is necessary to fulfill a void which stems from the seemingly endless winter.
A change of season is evoked, and though the timeline is not altered, the difference is that I open to the change. My senses are acute and craving the signs of spring.
Hope and desire are fueled by this collective awakening. The stale evaporates, and promise renews.
There is a spring in my step because I allow the shift in my mind, and that acceptance, is what energizes me.
Where I can redirect my thought process at will, it is hard to deny the power of the masses.
Daylight savings time carries me on the breeze until my footing is sound, and once again, I am running with the wind.
There will be daylight remaining at the end of my workday. I know from past experience, daylight savings time is like an energy drink; along with the extra light comes a boost of adrenaline.
The power of my mind is my greatest asset.
Daylight savings time does not add time, for there are still twenty-four hours in my day. The immediate one hour difference in the amount of light I experience, will however, push my mind to create what is necessary to fulfill a void which stems from the seemingly endless winter.
A change of season is evoked, and though the timeline is not altered, the difference is that I open to the change. My senses are acute and craving the signs of spring.
Hope and desire are fueled by this collective awakening. The stale evaporates, and promise renews.
There is a spring in my step because I allow the shift in my mind, and that acceptance, is what energizes me.
Where I can redirect my thought process at will, it is hard to deny the power of the masses.
Daylight savings time carries me on the breeze until my footing is sound, and once again, I am running with the wind.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
To hear a cry from someone in need, tears at my heart. To hear that cry from my adult child, pains me to the soul.
We all have experiences that lend to our being. They will build us up, or break us down. Sometimes we must crumble, to unearth the core. This reconciliation between mind and body is an ongoing process; this is life.
The following is a series of letters, the first written by my son who in his experience to bring peace to others suffered insurmountable anguish from the atrocities he witnessed. His cry for help was the birth of his healing and the drive to support others in their internal struggles.
At his suggestion, and with his permission, I reprint our exchange.
I preface this with an excerpt from a book that my children wrote for me:
Remember a time when Mom
“saved the day” for you.
Mark---- In the fall of 2007, I returned to the United States from Palestine a broken man. In the preceding months, I’d watched the homes of my neighbors burn, soldiers open fire at children, bombs detonate beneath vehicles. My home was pockmarked with bullet holes, the glass of my windows shot out with furious negligence. A new friend bled slowly to death in the street while his family looked on. My best friend, the cousin of the first suicide bomber from our refugee camp, was in turn threatening suicide. My home had been broken into twice by armed men, who then returned in repeated attempts to extort me, threatening my life and firing into the stairwell of my apartment building. The shock I experienced when I returned home to Colorado was a mix of abrupt, halting escape and the incredulous guilt of survival.
The tears came in due step as my labor carried me back into the sanctuary our mother built. They fell steadily whenever she approached, her very presence a permission to breathe, to fall to my knees, exhausted, and weep. Those first couple of weeks back were not easy. I woke in the late morning and lay in bed until the early afternoon, unable to will myself onto my feet. As the blur faded and I came to each day, a flood of experience yet too raw to be memory cascaded toward me. The walls I’d built to protect me had no power left. As feeling crept back into my limbs, the smoke in my lungs, blood on the street and gun in my mouth came with it. My first thought every morning, without fail, was whiskey. The hardest moments of the day were those before my first drink. I was shocked to be alive, felt guilty about it; I think I wanted to die. I think I was trying to.
I held fast to whatever defenses remained, though they too were fading. I swallowed each tear-filled impulse to speak, choked myself into perpetual silence. A thousand sentences begun and murdered in mind before the first syllable could be free.
I was in the car on an errand and nearly home when I felt the onset of something new. My heart was beating too fast. I could breathe in, but not out. Adrenaline pooling in reserve outside each cell, ready to ambush me. Every spring coiled, sharp, vibrating. Rage and terror, toxic stockpiled potential for kinetic release. My vision narrowed with each attempt to exhale until I was climbing through a keyhole into grey. Get home, get where it’s safe, get to Mom.
I braced myself as my head began to swim and my hands shake. Through the garage and into the laundry room. I thought I was alone. Mom stood behind me, sensing the conflict within me, afraid to speak, wary to startle, careful not to set spark to powder. The two-year-old that followed her to the door had no idea. She called to her Erin, my heart stopped, crouched, ready. Slow motion, instantaneous, logical, desperate. I separated. In a thousandth of a second, I could see everything. It all made simple sense. There was no confusion. I turned and saw her, startled though I already knew she was there, quickened, terrified. Every nerve firing a hundred times over, every muscle pulling itself off the bone in every direction, fight and flight. I yelled, screamed, cried. I tore away and slammed into the wall, frantically scraping at the plaster. My legs gave out and I collapsed, trembling widely in full-body seizure. Mom reached out to catch me and was nearly crush beneath the dead weight, able only to grab my wrist and guide my fall against the laundry machines. As I convulsed, I blindly consoled the screaming child: “I’m ok, I’m ok, I’m ok, I’m ok, I’m ok, I’m ok.” Sound but not convincing.
I came to minutes later by her side on the couch. My heart beating again, tomorrows reappeared; I came back to life that day, though it nearly killed me. In that room, in her arms, she saved me.
Mark-
1/24/10
mom, i need some help. I'm not sure how to get through the day. I guess i've been feeling this coming on for a few weeks now, and today i had a real breakdown, just like the time in the laundry room. I was working on my computer, feeling strange and decided to make breakfast. I was getting pretty dizzy and for some reason every nerve in my body seemed to be extra sensitive. I started losing my composure, like I wanted to smash through the window or scream at the top of my lungs. I felt trapped inside my body and while I was chopping herbs, I suddenly had this overwhelming urge to chop off my own fingers. I started chopping harder and faster and faster until I was raising the knife into the air and slamming it down onto the cutting board, which I must have split into three or four pieces by the time I forced myself to drop it. Then I just went into a ball, every muscle firing, paralyzed and rigid though shaking uncontrollably all over. I've been sleeping for 3 hours since and just got up.
I miss home so much. I can't convey how much I miss it. Every time I want to write to you, i feel overcome with exhaustion and I can't bring myself to do it. I love you very much.
Mom-
1/24/10
Lack of control adds a huge element to the picture. We often base our self-worth on the control we hold in the situations we face. The greatest thing that ever happened to me was being able to let go of the control I held so tight, because in letting go of that I recognized that who I was had absolutely nothing to do with the control I held. My true inner being began to shine, not only visible to me, but to all around me, once I let the grip slip away. The control was a barrier and I was held captive inside the walls. Once the control was stripped away there was nothing to see but me. I had no argument, I needed no defense. I became true for the first time in my life.
It takes time to understand that the world revolves around those who need to make it spin. We all do at some time in our lives. It's part of the reality and growth we need to experience to become of true value to others. Not for a second do I think I have given up control forever. I will need to fall back on my rigid hold many times in my life. The difference now for me is that I can truly relax into letting go. There is so much joy in letting others take the reigns. To trust, not that they can do it, but that they need to do it, is the key to the transition. And, it is great! You have to believe me on this one!
I'll keep helping. Don't let go of my hand!
Love,
Mom
Mom-
1/24/10
There seems a pattern to what happens to you as far as the uncontrollable shaking. You are right in that it seems to be a fight or flight response. Why it happens when it does is what we need to recognize and this is my thought.
The episodes occur when you are in a safe environment. They typically occur when you are working outside of a physical realm, meaning you are deep in thought, or working on your computer, verses actively interacting where the muscles have equal release to the mind's production. This begins as a normal stress response; trouble concentrating, dizziness, frustration, and maybe physical discomfort such as restlessness, headaches, or stomach aches. If your blood sugar is off from lack of food, or you are tired, these symptoms intensify. This is a normal state that affects all people to some degree or another.
Where you differ is in the extent of what transpires after the initial onset on symptoms, and I believe it is because you are struggling with how to cope with the experiences of your life.
Post traumatic stress is a haunting vision of what our mind's eyes has seen. We can't erase the traumas of our lives, and even the most benign are charted in our brain and cast shadows over the present day. It is known that adults respond to signals, triggering events which happened to them as infants, and are completely unaware of why they feel stress.
When you can recall the traumatic events of your life, you can imagine how potent that is, because you are actually and vividly reliving it in your head, but denying it a physical response, because you understand that it is no longer a threat. Not only that, but you come to deny it a place in your thoughts because it is uncomfortable and it interferes with your daily activity. But our denial of constant presence doesn't rid us of the effect because it is never gone, but merely channeled.
So, why does it take over in certain times? I think, going back to when this happens to you, that your mind is so actively working, and probably on a situation you have little immediate control over. This can happen in an instant, or over a period of time. You have a team of soldiers working in your mind but the rest of you is in a place of safety. This also triggers a response of guilt. How can you switch activities at will when others cannot? That is the key to the violent response that your body has. Your mind is still working, often subconsciously on the problems, but your body is focused on something else. This makes your mind work harder; it must compensate for lack of physical action. Your body begins to shake and the physical release is satisfying what the mind cannot fix, so it allows it to take over. Then after the episode, you are extremely tired because the mind and body, though not in sync, put in a tremendous workout.
I have more thoughts on this, but need to stop right now because work begins in a few minutes. Let me know what your thoughts are on this.
I love you and you are not at all alone in this. It will get better.
Mom
Mark-
1/25/10
i read this email with intense interest. I really think you're on to something here. Please let me know what else you're thinking on this. I'm especially curious about what your suggestions might be to deal with this in healthy ways. Certainly there was a time when I was stifling my emotions through drinking and other coping mechanisms designed to disconnect me or at least mute what I felt and thought inside. These days, I can assure you that's not the case. I have a very regular schedule. More so than ever in my life. I get enough sleep, work out, eat great. I'm even taking steps to put a little distance between myself and RJI, in order to simplify my life a bit. That certainly hasn't been easy, but I do feel like I'm making progress in that area as well. Maybe that's part of the problem? Not stepping back, that's a good thing. But rather, maybe it's my lack of the usual targets for my energy that is spurring this latest upheaval. Normally, I feel in control of my work, despite how chaotic it looks from the outside. Living in Israel makes me feel out of control of the normal stuff, as all that stuff takes place in Hebrew, so I'm often deferring to Naama whenever it comes to bills, ordering in restaurants, etc. She's also pretty overbearing when it comes to house stuff, so doing dishes, folding laundry and other chores are mostly on her schedule. Maybe it's my sudden lack of being in the driver seat all the time (something I wanted to an extent) is causing this disorientation. I'm not used to watching the world happen around me. Even at work, where I really strive to take the wheel, my boss would rather I just stay out of the way and do what he wants me to do at any given moment.
I've definitely been having a hard time relating well with naama, and it's been hard for me to identify why. But even if I have some idea of what's going on, i still don't have solutions.
love,
me
Mom-
1/26/10
I want you to know that nothing you have ever accomplished has made me more proud than your ability to recognize and give up the vices that kept you in a state of safety. Nothing is more frightening than stepping outside of what makes life bearable. I will always love and respect you for making that sacrifice.
A bit more on control.
Giving up control is similar to the changes that take place throughout life. Though it opens up a better place in life, it is often a forced entry. With change, though we may contemplate it for some time, it most generally happens abruptly. We move on in a relationship that has been bad for years because someone cheats. We change careers because we were laid off. Relinquishing control happens the same way. As you pointed out, language barriers, job situations, and many other life changes play a part in why this happens. If we are forced into taking a more passive role, or badgered to a point of anger, leading us to give up control out of frustration, then we must first heal in order to fully appreciate the shift of that control.
As a parent, the most difficult thing I had to do was to learn to let go at the appropriate times and stages. This letting go is the ultimate challenge in giving up control, because I have a strong, personal stake in the outcome. But, by not letting go I am a failure in the true sense of parenting, because I never allow for my teaching to progress to growth.
In reality, I am a parent in all of my creations, projects, relationships, and efforts, and cannot be successful in any of those endeavors until I step back and allow them to stand on their own.
In doing so, I do not relinquish myself from them, but enjoy them in a new light. I become open to the value of my effort which I couldn't have seen otherwise. I must unclench my fist to see what I hold.
Once I let go and allow the natural progression of challenge and success, triumph and loss, I recognize the worth of my effort. If I've done a good job I understand that I am not here to rescue, but to guide.
The difficulty is that in place of the control I held, there now stands a void. Certainly there are the moments of relief over a job well done, but there is a definite restless gap in its place; one that peace and beauty should flood in and fill. In reality, guilt and loss seem to displace the serenity.
I taught myself to replace the control with self-discovery. This is difficult because, by nature, I am a caregiver. To turn my free space back onto myself and my own needs seemed consuming and selfish. I was not even able to honestly admit that I had needs, or that those needs could be filled solely within.
Control was easy, because it was self-directed but applied to others. The focus was removed from me. Control was a tool I used to test the waters. I could shift and restructure at will, for the good of something beyond myself.
Once I began to redirect my actions to self-discovery the outcome became satisfying. The results were solely judged but widely celebrated. I was able to take in a part of life that was crucial, but missing. I became more apt in helping others, and more clear on where to head on my journey.
All of this happens at the appropriate time. When our bodies signal the stress response, it is time to move forward, take on the change, and step into the new. Understanding why it happens takes the fear out of it. Now, we face it head on so that the physical response can't overcome you.
Tomorrow I'll address ways to counteract the physical responses. Please ask any questions that might help me to keep this on track with what you need!
I love you!
Mom
Mark-
1/27/10
Coming from anyone else, I might be hesitant to believe all this stuff, but when I read your emails, it really sinks in. Today I'm going to try to step back from the captain's chair a bit (my boss doesn't much appreciate me trying to sit in his lap anyway). I'll just look and see what's there, and ask myself how i might best contribute to it using my talents alone. And I'll spend the day tuned into how I'm feeling as well. Physically, emotionally and the rest. I'm up early, feeling better than I have in a while despite my cold, and I'm ready to see some of this stuff I've been missing out on.
love,
me
Mark-
1/28/10
Momsy,
I'm really enjoying these emails. Please keep sharing your thoughts. You really have some great insights, and unlike the majority of people I've spoken to, some actual strategies to deal with this. I came into work yesterday determined to set a new tone. I came in with greeting of, "Sabah al jasmine, sabah al fool" (morning of jasmine, morning of the beans.) Good for laughs and easy to make friends that way. I'm doing my work and not worrying about who steers the ship. Though my boss is a grumpy old curmudgeon, I can see that he needs to play that role. It's kind of liberating to let him have it. Of course that role is rightfully his anyway, but seeing someone else need it helps me to see that I also need that sort of thing. It's a good exercise for me to step back.
love,
me
Mom-
1/28/10
Part 3
We have some ideas now why the mind and body are not in sync, and I’ve covered some of the ways that letting go of control can actually lead to a better control in your own life. But, this takes time, so what can you do to avoid or counteract the physical symptoms as they present themselves?
Nothing is more detrimental than fear when I am in a situation where I feel I have no control. This is where I must become strong from within and center all my strength on relieving my fear and, in essence, talking myself down from the panic. I relate to this through my migraines.
There were times in my life when the headaches were so strong and so fast that I wasn’t sure I could live through the pain. They are especially frightening when I am alone, because I begin to visualize that I may be dying; that my head will explode and I will be gone. In my panic, the physical symptoms worsen. I feel hot and cold flashes, I’m nauseated, I want to slam my head against a wall to relieve the horrible pain, I can’t open my eyes because the light is blinding and even the sound of the trickling water in my fountain is blasting through my skull. Everything happens at once and overwhelmingly threatens to overtake me.
Once the migraine is over, I, like you, fall deeply asleep. When I awaken, I am in a state where I am somewhat dazed, but euphoric to be alive. Not a manic state, because I physically don’t have the energy to support that, but mentally I feel as though I’ve been reborn and quietly want to be apart of the amazement around me.
Through my migraines I have learned, number one, to do everything in my power to avoid the episodes to the extent that they get that bad. I have become hyper aware of what triggers them. Knowing the triggers can put me at risk, because when I am in a situation that can cause a headache, the fear of realizing it could happen can actually bring it on. This is where I have to take back control of my body.
I do everything I can to prevent the episode, but when the physical takes over, I meet it head on. I remove myself from any distraction, generally I lie in bed, and I first need to totally relax. This is difficult when I am afraid that I’m going to lose control, but once I had conquered it for the first time I recognized that I am more powerful than the threat. The most important part in this is that I had to rid the fear and believe I could take over. Then I had to still myself. Any movement worked against me because the body’s need for flight appears stronger than the mind in situations of fear. I think this is hugely key---movement in these situations encourages the body to take over. It is begging for a physical release and will run with it once it begins. It’s like a toddler losing control in a tantrum. Nothing will bring him back until the release is spent. Physical release- pushups, exercise in any form, screaming into a pillow- all of these can be of great value if practiced well ahead of the onset of the episode. They are preventive measures. But, when you know you are vulnerable to an immediate takeover, you must be completely still and allow your mind to be stronger than your body.
Once I become still, I practice stress relievers. Meditation is greatly useful here, and when I’ve practiced it regularly, it is easier to pull up in an instant. I take a deep cleansing breath. In situations of stress I have a tendency to hyperventilate, or take shallow breaths which adds to the stress and makes it more difficult for me to concentrate. After a deep breath, I make my jaw relax. If my jaw is tense, so am I. From there, it is the natural progression of working my way down from my head, shoulders, arms etc., relaxing all as I go. I get almost instant relief, but if I come out of it too soon, the pain is back intensely, so I am careful to honor the process. This takes me into my deep sleep when the migraine is bad, or will allow me to bypass a horrible headache if I catch it before it gets to that stage.
I believe that recognition of the situation helped me understand that I don’t have to be afraid of what is happening. I am not dying of a brain tumor. I have a problem handling stress, and it manifests in migraines when I haven’t dealt with it. Now, I can deal with it. I am stronger than the problem.
I hope this helps for now!
I love you!
Mom
Mom-
1/29/10
Part 4
Overtaking Stress
When stress becomes too much it manifests itself in physical form. The good part of this is that in the beginning, the symptoms act as a warning that I need to change components of my lifestyle. Left untreated, the symptoms become life altering and life threatening.
I chose my lifestyle and at any given moment I have the power to alter how I live. Because so many factors play into my decision, the easiest part of this is to recognize what my stress triggers are, and find ways to better cope with my life choices. Though stress is universal and many of the symptoms of stress hold similarities for the masses, our triggers are highly sensitive and personal to our circumstance.
Where you are the best person to discern your stress, I have recognized some of the patterns I see with you, and so will give you a basis with which to begin.
First and foremost, understand that what is happening is due to what you have gone through. Much of what you have experienced has no outlet to relieve the pressure of the circumstance and allow for healing. The grief, fear, and panic have all had to be tempered in order for you to survive. Even when the situation is safe, cultural differences have prevented you from expounding on the experience enough to heal. Don’t fear what is happening. Understand and prevent it.
1) The work you do is highly stressful, but you are good at what you do and seem to be able to handle the challenges that present themselves. I think the best approach is to make sure you are doing your work in the healthiest way possible so as to minimize the vulnerability which puts you at risk for an episode during the long hours at the computer.
2) Low blood sugar seems to be a common trigger for you, as it is for many people. Eating regular, healthy, and scheduled meals, before the hunger strikes, will help. Working at the computer is conducive to a flexible schedule, and where this can be of great benefit, it can also be a huge downfall. You lose sense of time, and in that, are thrown off balance. To help regulate the blood sugar and keep it at an optimum level, it will help to make a tray of healthy snacks and have them readily available to eat at a moments notice, again, before the hunger strikes, allowing you to continue your work without stalling. The key is to stay ahead of the hunger.
3) Sleep is also a key element to health. Sleep deprivation allows the mind to lag, and where that is a difficult problem to encounter while you work, it is a serious problem to overcome when a sharp mind must win against a fight or flight situation. To push on when the concentration is fading is not a good idea.
4) Feeling lightheaded or dizzy are signs that you have moved into the next stage and should be taken seriously, not pushed through. Do not allow yourself shallow breaths here. Take one deep cleansing breath, relax your jaw, and immediately remove yourself from the work situation at hand. Trying to push through at this point is what gets you into trouble. You are at a vulnerable stage where your body wants to fight. If your mind can calm the body, you may be able to avoid the physical release. You have to shift your mindset quickly; listen to music, sing, watch comedy- anything that allows the brain to take an instant change into something drastically separate from the task at hand.
5) Let Naama know what she can do to help you through should an episode happen. Think about what has helped in the past; skin to skin contact, low, reassuring voice, eye contact, orange juice etc. You know what has helped and she needs to know how to help you. It will give you both a sense of comfort to feel as though you are in a situation that can be handled. The fear concept plays heavily into this, and needs to be dealt with.
We’ve covered the triggers, how to recognize when an attack is imminent, and what to do when faced with the situation.
Tomorrow I will touch on finding a balance and dealing with the guilt that prevents you from seeking that balance.
Hang in there and let me know where I can help.
I love you,
Mom
Mom-
1/30/10
Part 5
A Rightful Balance
I wake up in the morning after a deep night of sleep. Cocooned in my warmth I’m happy in a very satisfied innocence- the kind of ‘ahh’ moment I had as a child, when I first woke up and had that sudden realization that it was the weekend, and I could remain bundled for as long as I wanted. Then the reality of the day, of life really, hits, and it’s too bright, too cold, and a weight paralyses my limbs. The worries and challenges on my plate have displaced my natural joy.
Just as I believe that we are all inherently good, I too believe that we are wired to be happy. I want to laugh and share humor with those around me. I feel the warmth of the last hug and it keeps me safe and longing for the next. I crave the pat on the back which motivates my next move. But, the beauty, joy, and laughter have come to play a fading role. These are the elements in my life that beg life to continue, but I am too humbled to deserve more than fleeting moments between the chaos. Though, to remove the goodness from life would be to end life all together, for who would continue? Is it not the joy, peace, freedom, and laughter in our day for which we are all fighting? When do we win the battle? When did the shift take place where a happy carefree life was no longer a given but a privilege that needed to be earned?
Typically, society allows us two days out of seven to rest. Then, I take my weekend and restructure it to include all the unfinished business of my workweek, along with the never-ending to-do list which I have constructed.
Monday morning arrives and I find myself relieved that I am back on a regimented schedule because it is, in essence, a form of rest. I am once again bound by the clock to perform. Unfortunately, I am left without a break, un-rejuvenated, and generally feeling guilty for all that I didn’t accomplish.
In this, a core aspect was left untended, and so my performance falls further behind. I berate myself for my lack, then push harder to resurface, all the while depleting my energy reserves, until I become sick, angry, bitter and cynical. I fall into a hole where my only source of drive comes from the vacation I dream and plot, months away, holding to the glimmer of hope that I’ll be able to schedule it in.
This will require hard work so that I might catch up; harder work so that I can get ahead long enough to sustain the cycle in my absence. I am so very important. I delve in letting my daydream of a tranquil beach, become my life preserver.
I am entrenched in life’s problems taking on all that I know, whether I am actively involved or ruminating over them. I am strong, fair, focused, and therefore a good candidate to help sift through the injustices in our world. But what makes me effective, that compassion and empathy are not qualities that I practice, but the core of my being, will also take me down. It is the emotional toll. I cannot be good at my life calling without caring, but over time I must harden myself to protect my vulnerability, or I lose strength.
Like a car, as the years go by, all the miles take a toll. Some will last a few years, some an eternity. The harder it is driven, the more problems it will encounter. It is not just the strength and quality of the vehicle which determine its years on the road, but more importantly, the maintenance that was done; maintenance performed from the time the car was new, not stockpiled until the engine light was flashing.
Life is patterned over time. I don’t see the price I pay until the symptoms arise because the light fades slowly. I deny its attempt because I am strong, and quite frankly, too busy.
Part of living with the present is in observing all the beauty that is possible. This is the balance and it is crucial. It is in knowing the beautiful side of life which allows me to be struck when I encounter the lack. It is something that I want to change, and more than share, I recognize that it is the right of all of mankind. This is my passionate mission.
I allow the beauty of a sunset to wash over me because it is universal. But I deny other pleasures because guilt won’t let me experience them when pain is prevalent.
Pain is not relieved because of mass suffering.
Suffering is not worsened because there is joy and laughter.
Pain and suffering are acute and necessary if we are to be empathetic to a cause outside of our own.
I cannot hold or help, if I cannot relate. Equally, I must embrace the laughter and joy, or I do not have the capacity to thrive and spread hope.
Commiserating in lack is a dark, lonely, and long road to recovery. Hope, promise and the example of something better are as much a part of the solution for all involved.
I must see with reverence all the world. It is how it is intended.
This is the rightful balance.
Mom-
1/31/10
Part 6
I am my experience.
I am not a martyr. I will work towards an important cause of my choosing, but I will not suffer. I am not a victim. This is not a sacrifice. It is simply what brings light to my life.
I am proud of the fact that I can be a calming force in the face of adversity. There are difficult moments to every day, but most of the time I meet the challenges.
Of course, I live in a world that is flooded with a sense of urgency, and sometimes I must shout my doomsday approach and force-fed mantra just to hear my own heartbeat. I have to keep pace, or crumble in the wake.
Perhaps if I wrote my beginning sentences on the palm of my hand, like I did when I was a child, young and carefree, perhaps then, I would stick to the principals of my resolve.
I have a basic premise. Children approach life with certain tenacity because they have no timeline. They have, in fact, no sense of time until we, as their primary caregivers, drill the importance of schedules into their lives. As an example—I counsel parents, struggling as they work to get their infant to sleep through the night, “Do not repeatedly go in to check on your crying son.”
“But he’ll scream for twenty minutes- even longer- he won’t stop!” the frustrated mom will tell me.
The reason for this is that children are programmed on a response system, not a timeline. They will hold out to the point of exhaustion when they know it to bring results. The cause and effect should be your focus, because, for the child, it is.
Why do I make a point of this? Because, when I relieve myself this timeline, with my deadlines and sense of urgency, I become effective. There is no real timeline, because for everything I shove to the forefront, I displace another, often to my detriment.
Certainly there are choices that I need to make, and consequences for my choices. If it’s important to me to take public transportation rather than pollute our atmosphere with my vehicle, then I must live by the schedule of the train, but I have the choice.
I have a friend who believed that sleep was of utmost importance for the well-being of her children; more important than getting them to school by the beginning bell. Now, she home-schools her children in order to follow her intentions and live within her value system.
I need to set boundaries for my life, honor my choices, and re-evaluate them often so that I don’t get caught up in the frenzy. Then, I am effective.
I think of how Mother Theresa appeared. There was a loving and serene presence about her. She had given up much in her life to walk amongst those living in great poverty, yet her work was done with a smile. The Dalai Lama is another example of someone who spreads a calm presence in his hopeful message.
I must have great faith in what I believe in order to deliver a message that is strong. But, there is more to it than that. I must also care for myself and realize the beauty that is surrounding me. I must immerse myself in this realm of life, as well, in order to keep and present my message of hope.
Guilt has no healthy place in this.
The goodness of life is what we strive for. It isn’t necessary to remove it from our own lives in order that someone else can experience it. I assume the hardships and injustices, so that I may fully understand and be empathetic to others in the world. I do not take them on as a replacement for the pleasure in my life. There is too little joy to escalate the absence of it.
I am truly blessed to have all my experiences, and so I accept and am grateful that I have been entrusted with this balance. It is a gift that I will use for the good of others.
Mark-
2/1/10
I think you should post all these letters on your blog. I know I'm not the only one struggling with these things, and we shouldn't keep your insight to ourselves. As for me, i don't keep secrets when I write (perhaps a fatal flaw it shall prove one day...), so please feel free to share what I wrote.
love,
mark thomas
We all have experiences that lend to our being. They will build us up, or break us down. Sometimes we must crumble, to unearth the core. This reconciliation between mind and body is an ongoing process; this is life.
The following is a series of letters, the first written by my son who in his experience to bring peace to others suffered insurmountable anguish from the atrocities he witnessed. His cry for help was the birth of his healing and the drive to support others in their internal struggles.
At his suggestion, and with his permission, I reprint our exchange.
I preface this with an excerpt from a book that my children wrote for me:
Remember a time when Mom
“saved the day” for you.
Mark---- In the fall of 2007, I returned to the United States from Palestine a broken man. In the preceding months, I’d watched the homes of my neighbors burn, soldiers open fire at children, bombs detonate beneath vehicles. My home was pockmarked with bullet holes, the glass of my windows shot out with furious negligence. A new friend bled slowly to death in the street while his family looked on. My best friend, the cousin of the first suicide bomber from our refugee camp, was in turn threatening suicide. My home had been broken into twice by armed men, who then returned in repeated attempts to extort me, threatening my life and firing into the stairwell of my apartment building. The shock I experienced when I returned home to Colorado was a mix of abrupt, halting escape and the incredulous guilt of survival.
The tears came in due step as my labor carried me back into the sanctuary our mother built. They fell steadily whenever she approached, her very presence a permission to breathe, to fall to my knees, exhausted, and weep. Those first couple of weeks back were not easy. I woke in the late morning and lay in bed until the early afternoon, unable to will myself onto my feet. As the blur faded and I came to each day, a flood of experience yet too raw to be memory cascaded toward me. The walls I’d built to protect me had no power left. As feeling crept back into my limbs, the smoke in my lungs, blood on the street and gun in my mouth came with it. My first thought every morning, without fail, was whiskey. The hardest moments of the day were those before my first drink. I was shocked to be alive, felt guilty about it; I think I wanted to die. I think I was trying to.
I held fast to whatever defenses remained, though they too were fading. I swallowed each tear-filled impulse to speak, choked myself into perpetual silence. A thousand sentences begun and murdered in mind before the first syllable could be free.
I was in the car on an errand and nearly home when I felt the onset of something new. My heart was beating too fast. I could breathe in, but not out. Adrenaline pooling in reserve outside each cell, ready to ambush me. Every spring coiled, sharp, vibrating. Rage and terror, toxic stockpiled potential for kinetic release. My vision narrowed with each attempt to exhale until I was climbing through a keyhole into grey. Get home, get where it’s safe, get to Mom.
I braced myself as my head began to swim and my hands shake. Through the garage and into the laundry room. I thought I was alone. Mom stood behind me, sensing the conflict within me, afraid to speak, wary to startle, careful not to set spark to powder. The two-year-old that followed her to the door had no idea. She called to her Erin, my heart stopped, crouched, ready. Slow motion, instantaneous, logical, desperate. I separated. In a thousandth of a second, I could see everything. It all made simple sense. There was no confusion. I turned and saw her, startled though I already knew she was there, quickened, terrified. Every nerve firing a hundred times over, every muscle pulling itself off the bone in every direction, fight and flight. I yelled, screamed, cried. I tore away and slammed into the wall, frantically scraping at the plaster. My legs gave out and I collapsed, trembling widely in full-body seizure. Mom reached out to catch me and was nearly crush beneath the dead weight, able only to grab my wrist and guide my fall against the laundry machines. As I convulsed, I blindly consoled the screaming child: “I’m ok, I’m ok, I’m ok, I’m ok, I’m ok, I’m ok.” Sound but not convincing.
I came to minutes later by her side on the couch. My heart beating again, tomorrows reappeared; I came back to life that day, though it nearly killed me. In that room, in her arms, she saved me.
Mark-
1/24/10
mom, i need some help. I'm not sure how to get through the day. I guess i've been feeling this coming on for a few weeks now, and today i had a real breakdown, just like the time in the laundry room. I was working on my computer, feeling strange and decided to make breakfast. I was getting pretty dizzy and for some reason every nerve in my body seemed to be extra sensitive. I started losing my composure, like I wanted to smash through the window or scream at the top of my lungs. I felt trapped inside my body and while I was chopping herbs, I suddenly had this overwhelming urge to chop off my own fingers. I started chopping harder and faster and faster until I was raising the knife into the air and slamming it down onto the cutting board, which I must have split into three or four pieces by the time I forced myself to drop it. Then I just went into a ball, every muscle firing, paralyzed and rigid though shaking uncontrollably all over. I've been sleeping for 3 hours since and just got up.
I miss home so much. I can't convey how much I miss it. Every time I want to write to you, i feel overcome with exhaustion and I can't bring myself to do it. I love you very much.
Mom-
1/24/10
Lack of control adds a huge element to the picture. We often base our self-worth on the control we hold in the situations we face. The greatest thing that ever happened to me was being able to let go of the control I held so tight, because in letting go of that I recognized that who I was had absolutely nothing to do with the control I held. My true inner being began to shine, not only visible to me, but to all around me, once I let the grip slip away. The control was a barrier and I was held captive inside the walls. Once the control was stripped away there was nothing to see but me. I had no argument, I needed no defense. I became true for the first time in my life.
It takes time to understand that the world revolves around those who need to make it spin. We all do at some time in our lives. It's part of the reality and growth we need to experience to become of true value to others. Not for a second do I think I have given up control forever. I will need to fall back on my rigid hold many times in my life. The difference now for me is that I can truly relax into letting go. There is so much joy in letting others take the reigns. To trust, not that they can do it, but that they need to do it, is the key to the transition. And, it is great! You have to believe me on this one!
I'll keep helping. Don't let go of my hand!
Love,
Mom
Mom-
1/24/10
There seems a pattern to what happens to you as far as the uncontrollable shaking. You are right in that it seems to be a fight or flight response. Why it happens when it does is what we need to recognize and this is my thought.
The episodes occur when you are in a safe environment. They typically occur when you are working outside of a physical realm, meaning you are deep in thought, or working on your computer, verses actively interacting where the muscles have equal release to the mind's production. This begins as a normal stress response; trouble concentrating, dizziness, frustration, and maybe physical discomfort such as restlessness, headaches, or stomach aches. If your blood sugar is off from lack of food, or you are tired, these symptoms intensify. This is a normal state that affects all people to some degree or another.
Where you differ is in the extent of what transpires after the initial onset on symptoms, and I believe it is because you are struggling with how to cope with the experiences of your life.
Post traumatic stress is a haunting vision of what our mind's eyes has seen. We can't erase the traumas of our lives, and even the most benign are charted in our brain and cast shadows over the present day. It is known that adults respond to signals, triggering events which happened to them as infants, and are completely unaware of why they feel stress.
When you can recall the traumatic events of your life, you can imagine how potent that is, because you are actually and vividly reliving it in your head, but denying it a physical response, because you understand that it is no longer a threat. Not only that, but you come to deny it a place in your thoughts because it is uncomfortable and it interferes with your daily activity. But our denial of constant presence doesn't rid us of the effect because it is never gone, but merely channeled.
So, why does it take over in certain times? I think, going back to when this happens to you, that your mind is so actively working, and probably on a situation you have little immediate control over. This can happen in an instant, or over a period of time. You have a team of soldiers working in your mind but the rest of you is in a place of safety. This also triggers a response of guilt. How can you switch activities at will when others cannot? That is the key to the violent response that your body has. Your mind is still working, often subconsciously on the problems, but your body is focused on something else. This makes your mind work harder; it must compensate for lack of physical action. Your body begins to shake and the physical release is satisfying what the mind cannot fix, so it allows it to take over. Then after the episode, you are extremely tired because the mind and body, though not in sync, put in a tremendous workout.
I have more thoughts on this, but need to stop right now because work begins in a few minutes. Let me know what your thoughts are on this.
I love you and you are not at all alone in this. It will get better.
Mom
Mark-
1/25/10
i read this email with intense interest. I really think you're on to something here. Please let me know what else you're thinking on this. I'm especially curious about what your suggestions might be to deal with this in healthy ways. Certainly there was a time when I was stifling my emotions through drinking and other coping mechanisms designed to disconnect me or at least mute what I felt and thought inside. These days, I can assure you that's not the case. I have a very regular schedule. More so than ever in my life. I get enough sleep, work out, eat great. I'm even taking steps to put a little distance between myself and RJI, in order to simplify my life a bit. That certainly hasn't been easy, but I do feel like I'm making progress in that area as well. Maybe that's part of the problem? Not stepping back, that's a good thing. But rather, maybe it's my lack of the usual targets for my energy that is spurring this latest upheaval. Normally, I feel in control of my work, despite how chaotic it looks from the outside. Living in Israel makes me feel out of control of the normal stuff, as all that stuff takes place in Hebrew, so I'm often deferring to Naama whenever it comes to bills, ordering in restaurants, etc. She's also pretty overbearing when it comes to house stuff, so doing dishes, folding laundry and other chores are mostly on her schedule. Maybe it's my sudden lack of being in the driver seat all the time (something I wanted to an extent) is causing this disorientation. I'm not used to watching the world happen around me. Even at work, where I really strive to take the wheel, my boss would rather I just stay out of the way and do what he wants me to do at any given moment.
I've definitely been having a hard time relating well with naama, and it's been hard for me to identify why. But even if I have some idea of what's going on, i still don't have solutions.
love,
me
Mom-
1/26/10
I want you to know that nothing you have ever accomplished has made me more proud than your ability to recognize and give up the vices that kept you in a state of safety. Nothing is more frightening than stepping outside of what makes life bearable. I will always love and respect you for making that sacrifice.
A bit more on control.
Giving up control is similar to the changes that take place throughout life. Though it opens up a better place in life, it is often a forced entry. With change, though we may contemplate it for some time, it most generally happens abruptly. We move on in a relationship that has been bad for years because someone cheats. We change careers because we were laid off. Relinquishing control happens the same way. As you pointed out, language barriers, job situations, and many other life changes play a part in why this happens. If we are forced into taking a more passive role, or badgered to a point of anger, leading us to give up control out of frustration, then we must first heal in order to fully appreciate the shift of that control.
As a parent, the most difficult thing I had to do was to learn to let go at the appropriate times and stages. This letting go is the ultimate challenge in giving up control, because I have a strong, personal stake in the outcome. But, by not letting go I am a failure in the true sense of parenting, because I never allow for my teaching to progress to growth.
In reality, I am a parent in all of my creations, projects, relationships, and efforts, and cannot be successful in any of those endeavors until I step back and allow them to stand on their own.
In doing so, I do not relinquish myself from them, but enjoy them in a new light. I become open to the value of my effort which I couldn't have seen otherwise. I must unclench my fist to see what I hold.
Once I let go and allow the natural progression of challenge and success, triumph and loss, I recognize the worth of my effort. If I've done a good job I understand that I am not here to rescue, but to guide.
The difficulty is that in place of the control I held, there now stands a void. Certainly there are the moments of relief over a job well done, but there is a definite restless gap in its place; one that peace and beauty should flood in and fill. In reality, guilt and loss seem to displace the serenity.
I taught myself to replace the control with self-discovery. This is difficult because, by nature, I am a caregiver. To turn my free space back onto myself and my own needs seemed consuming and selfish. I was not even able to honestly admit that I had needs, or that those needs could be filled solely within.
Control was easy, because it was self-directed but applied to others. The focus was removed from me. Control was a tool I used to test the waters. I could shift and restructure at will, for the good of something beyond myself.
Once I began to redirect my actions to self-discovery the outcome became satisfying. The results were solely judged but widely celebrated. I was able to take in a part of life that was crucial, but missing. I became more apt in helping others, and more clear on where to head on my journey.
All of this happens at the appropriate time. When our bodies signal the stress response, it is time to move forward, take on the change, and step into the new. Understanding why it happens takes the fear out of it. Now, we face it head on so that the physical response can't overcome you.
Tomorrow I'll address ways to counteract the physical responses. Please ask any questions that might help me to keep this on track with what you need!
I love you!
Mom
Mark-
1/27/10
Coming from anyone else, I might be hesitant to believe all this stuff, but when I read your emails, it really sinks in. Today I'm going to try to step back from the captain's chair a bit (my boss doesn't much appreciate me trying to sit in his lap anyway). I'll just look and see what's there, and ask myself how i might best contribute to it using my talents alone. And I'll spend the day tuned into how I'm feeling as well. Physically, emotionally and the rest. I'm up early, feeling better than I have in a while despite my cold, and I'm ready to see some of this stuff I've been missing out on.
love,
me
Mark-
1/28/10
Momsy,
I'm really enjoying these emails. Please keep sharing your thoughts. You really have some great insights, and unlike the majority of people I've spoken to, some actual strategies to deal with this. I came into work yesterday determined to set a new tone. I came in with greeting of, "Sabah al jasmine, sabah al fool" (morning of jasmine, morning of the beans.) Good for laughs and easy to make friends that way. I'm doing my work and not worrying about who steers the ship. Though my boss is a grumpy old curmudgeon, I can see that he needs to play that role. It's kind of liberating to let him have it. Of course that role is rightfully his anyway, but seeing someone else need it helps me to see that I also need that sort of thing. It's a good exercise for me to step back.
love,
me
Mom-
1/28/10
Part 3
We have some ideas now why the mind and body are not in sync, and I’ve covered some of the ways that letting go of control can actually lead to a better control in your own life. But, this takes time, so what can you do to avoid or counteract the physical symptoms as they present themselves?
Nothing is more detrimental than fear when I am in a situation where I feel I have no control. This is where I must become strong from within and center all my strength on relieving my fear and, in essence, talking myself down from the panic. I relate to this through my migraines.
There were times in my life when the headaches were so strong and so fast that I wasn’t sure I could live through the pain. They are especially frightening when I am alone, because I begin to visualize that I may be dying; that my head will explode and I will be gone. In my panic, the physical symptoms worsen. I feel hot and cold flashes, I’m nauseated, I want to slam my head against a wall to relieve the horrible pain, I can’t open my eyes because the light is blinding and even the sound of the trickling water in my fountain is blasting through my skull. Everything happens at once and overwhelmingly threatens to overtake me.
Once the migraine is over, I, like you, fall deeply asleep. When I awaken, I am in a state where I am somewhat dazed, but euphoric to be alive. Not a manic state, because I physically don’t have the energy to support that, but mentally I feel as though I’ve been reborn and quietly want to be apart of the amazement around me.
Through my migraines I have learned, number one, to do everything in my power to avoid the episodes to the extent that they get that bad. I have become hyper aware of what triggers them. Knowing the triggers can put me at risk, because when I am in a situation that can cause a headache, the fear of realizing it could happen can actually bring it on. This is where I have to take back control of my body.
I do everything I can to prevent the episode, but when the physical takes over, I meet it head on. I remove myself from any distraction, generally I lie in bed, and I first need to totally relax. This is difficult when I am afraid that I’m going to lose control, but once I had conquered it for the first time I recognized that I am more powerful than the threat. The most important part in this is that I had to rid the fear and believe I could take over. Then I had to still myself. Any movement worked against me because the body’s need for flight appears stronger than the mind in situations of fear. I think this is hugely key---movement in these situations encourages the body to take over. It is begging for a physical release and will run with it once it begins. It’s like a toddler losing control in a tantrum. Nothing will bring him back until the release is spent. Physical release- pushups, exercise in any form, screaming into a pillow- all of these can be of great value if practiced well ahead of the onset of the episode. They are preventive measures. But, when you know you are vulnerable to an immediate takeover, you must be completely still and allow your mind to be stronger than your body.
Once I become still, I practice stress relievers. Meditation is greatly useful here, and when I’ve practiced it regularly, it is easier to pull up in an instant. I take a deep cleansing breath. In situations of stress I have a tendency to hyperventilate, or take shallow breaths which adds to the stress and makes it more difficult for me to concentrate. After a deep breath, I make my jaw relax. If my jaw is tense, so am I. From there, it is the natural progression of working my way down from my head, shoulders, arms etc., relaxing all as I go. I get almost instant relief, but if I come out of it too soon, the pain is back intensely, so I am careful to honor the process. This takes me into my deep sleep when the migraine is bad, or will allow me to bypass a horrible headache if I catch it before it gets to that stage.
I believe that recognition of the situation helped me understand that I don’t have to be afraid of what is happening. I am not dying of a brain tumor. I have a problem handling stress, and it manifests in migraines when I haven’t dealt with it. Now, I can deal with it. I am stronger than the problem.
I hope this helps for now!
I love you!
Mom
Mom-
1/29/10
Part 4
Overtaking Stress
When stress becomes too much it manifests itself in physical form. The good part of this is that in the beginning, the symptoms act as a warning that I need to change components of my lifestyle. Left untreated, the symptoms become life altering and life threatening.
I chose my lifestyle and at any given moment I have the power to alter how I live. Because so many factors play into my decision, the easiest part of this is to recognize what my stress triggers are, and find ways to better cope with my life choices. Though stress is universal and many of the symptoms of stress hold similarities for the masses, our triggers are highly sensitive and personal to our circumstance.
Where you are the best person to discern your stress, I have recognized some of the patterns I see with you, and so will give you a basis with which to begin.
First and foremost, understand that what is happening is due to what you have gone through. Much of what you have experienced has no outlet to relieve the pressure of the circumstance and allow for healing. The grief, fear, and panic have all had to be tempered in order for you to survive. Even when the situation is safe, cultural differences have prevented you from expounding on the experience enough to heal. Don’t fear what is happening. Understand and prevent it.
1) The work you do is highly stressful, but you are good at what you do and seem to be able to handle the challenges that present themselves. I think the best approach is to make sure you are doing your work in the healthiest way possible so as to minimize the vulnerability which puts you at risk for an episode during the long hours at the computer.
2) Low blood sugar seems to be a common trigger for you, as it is for many people. Eating regular, healthy, and scheduled meals, before the hunger strikes, will help. Working at the computer is conducive to a flexible schedule, and where this can be of great benefit, it can also be a huge downfall. You lose sense of time, and in that, are thrown off balance. To help regulate the blood sugar and keep it at an optimum level, it will help to make a tray of healthy snacks and have them readily available to eat at a moments notice, again, before the hunger strikes, allowing you to continue your work without stalling. The key is to stay ahead of the hunger.
3) Sleep is also a key element to health. Sleep deprivation allows the mind to lag, and where that is a difficult problem to encounter while you work, it is a serious problem to overcome when a sharp mind must win against a fight or flight situation. To push on when the concentration is fading is not a good idea.
4) Feeling lightheaded or dizzy are signs that you have moved into the next stage and should be taken seriously, not pushed through. Do not allow yourself shallow breaths here. Take one deep cleansing breath, relax your jaw, and immediately remove yourself from the work situation at hand. Trying to push through at this point is what gets you into trouble. You are at a vulnerable stage where your body wants to fight. If your mind can calm the body, you may be able to avoid the physical release. You have to shift your mindset quickly; listen to music, sing, watch comedy- anything that allows the brain to take an instant change into something drastically separate from the task at hand.
5) Let Naama know what she can do to help you through should an episode happen. Think about what has helped in the past; skin to skin contact, low, reassuring voice, eye contact, orange juice etc. You know what has helped and she needs to know how to help you. It will give you both a sense of comfort to feel as though you are in a situation that can be handled. The fear concept plays heavily into this, and needs to be dealt with.
We’ve covered the triggers, how to recognize when an attack is imminent, and what to do when faced with the situation.
Tomorrow I will touch on finding a balance and dealing with the guilt that prevents you from seeking that balance.
Hang in there and let me know where I can help.
I love you,
Mom
Mom-
1/30/10
Part 5
A Rightful Balance
I wake up in the morning after a deep night of sleep. Cocooned in my warmth I’m happy in a very satisfied innocence- the kind of ‘ahh’ moment I had as a child, when I first woke up and had that sudden realization that it was the weekend, and I could remain bundled for as long as I wanted. Then the reality of the day, of life really, hits, and it’s too bright, too cold, and a weight paralyses my limbs. The worries and challenges on my plate have displaced my natural joy.
Just as I believe that we are all inherently good, I too believe that we are wired to be happy. I want to laugh and share humor with those around me. I feel the warmth of the last hug and it keeps me safe and longing for the next. I crave the pat on the back which motivates my next move. But, the beauty, joy, and laughter have come to play a fading role. These are the elements in my life that beg life to continue, but I am too humbled to deserve more than fleeting moments between the chaos. Though, to remove the goodness from life would be to end life all together, for who would continue? Is it not the joy, peace, freedom, and laughter in our day for which we are all fighting? When do we win the battle? When did the shift take place where a happy carefree life was no longer a given but a privilege that needed to be earned?
Typically, society allows us two days out of seven to rest. Then, I take my weekend and restructure it to include all the unfinished business of my workweek, along with the never-ending to-do list which I have constructed.
Monday morning arrives and I find myself relieved that I am back on a regimented schedule because it is, in essence, a form of rest. I am once again bound by the clock to perform. Unfortunately, I am left without a break, un-rejuvenated, and generally feeling guilty for all that I didn’t accomplish.
In this, a core aspect was left untended, and so my performance falls further behind. I berate myself for my lack, then push harder to resurface, all the while depleting my energy reserves, until I become sick, angry, bitter and cynical. I fall into a hole where my only source of drive comes from the vacation I dream and plot, months away, holding to the glimmer of hope that I’ll be able to schedule it in.
This will require hard work so that I might catch up; harder work so that I can get ahead long enough to sustain the cycle in my absence. I am so very important. I delve in letting my daydream of a tranquil beach, become my life preserver.
I am entrenched in life’s problems taking on all that I know, whether I am actively involved or ruminating over them. I am strong, fair, focused, and therefore a good candidate to help sift through the injustices in our world. But what makes me effective, that compassion and empathy are not qualities that I practice, but the core of my being, will also take me down. It is the emotional toll. I cannot be good at my life calling without caring, but over time I must harden myself to protect my vulnerability, or I lose strength.
Like a car, as the years go by, all the miles take a toll. Some will last a few years, some an eternity. The harder it is driven, the more problems it will encounter. It is not just the strength and quality of the vehicle which determine its years on the road, but more importantly, the maintenance that was done; maintenance performed from the time the car was new, not stockpiled until the engine light was flashing.
Life is patterned over time. I don’t see the price I pay until the symptoms arise because the light fades slowly. I deny its attempt because I am strong, and quite frankly, too busy.
Part of living with the present is in observing all the beauty that is possible. This is the balance and it is crucial. It is in knowing the beautiful side of life which allows me to be struck when I encounter the lack. It is something that I want to change, and more than share, I recognize that it is the right of all of mankind. This is my passionate mission.
I allow the beauty of a sunset to wash over me because it is universal. But I deny other pleasures because guilt won’t let me experience them when pain is prevalent.
Pain is not relieved because of mass suffering.
Suffering is not worsened because there is joy and laughter.
Pain and suffering are acute and necessary if we are to be empathetic to a cause outside of our own.
I cannot hold or help, if I cannot relate. Equally, I must embrace the laughter and joy, or I do not have the capacity to thrive and spread hope.
Commiserating in lack is a dark, lonely, and long road to recovery. Hope, promise and the example of something better are as much a part of the solution for all involved.
I must see with reverence all the world. It is how it is intended.
This is the rightful balance.
Mom-
1/31/10
Part 6
I am my experience.
I am not a martyr. I will work towards an important cause of my choosing, but I will not suffer. I am not a victim. This is not a sacrifice. It is simply what brings light to my life.
I am proud of the fact that I can be a calming force in the face of adversity. There are difficult moments to every day, but most of the time I meet the challenges.
Of course, I live in a world that is flooded with a sense of urgency, and sometimes I must shout my doomsday approach and force-fed mantra just to hear my own heartbeat. I have to keep pace, or crumble in the wake.
Perhaps if I wrote my beginning sentences on the palm of my hand, like I did when I was a child, young and carefree, perhaps then, I would stick to the principals of my resolve.
I have a basic premise. Children approach life with certain tenacity because they have no timeline. They have, in fact, no sense of time until we, as their primary caregivers, drill the importance of schedules into their lives. As an example—I counsel parents, struggling as they work to get their infant to sleep through the night, “Do not repeatedly go in to check on your crying son.”
“But he’ll scream for twenty minutes- even longer- he won’t stop!” the frustrated mom will tell me.
The reason for this is that children are programmed on a response system, not a timeline. They will hold out to the point of exhaustion when they know it to bring results. The cause and effect should be your focus, because, for the child, it is.
Why do I make a point of this? Because, when I relieve myself this timeline, with my deadlines and sense of urgency, I become effective. There is no real timeline, because for everything I shove to the forefront, I displace another, often to my detriment.
Certainly there are choices that I need to make, and consequences for my choices. If it’s important to me to take public transportation rather than pollute our atmosphere with my vehicle, then I must live by the schedule of the train, but I have the choice.
I have a friend who believed that sleep was of utmost importance for the well-being of her children; more important than getting them to school by the beginning bell. Now, she home-schools her children in order to follow her intentions and live within her value system.
I need to set boundaries for my life, honor my choices, and re-evaluate them often so that I don’t get caught up in the frenzy. Then, I am effective.
I think of how Mother Theresa appeared. There was a loving and serene presence about her. She had given up much in her life to walk amongst those living in great poverty, yet her work was done with a smile. The Dalai Lama is another example of someone who spreads a calm presence in his hopeful message.
I must have great faith in what I believe in order to deliver a message that is strong. But, there is more to it than that. I must also care for myself and realize the beauty that is surrounding me. I must immerse myself in this realm of life, as well, in order to keep and present my message of hope.
Guilt has no healthy place in this.
The goodness of life is what we strive for. It isn’t necessary to remove it from our own lives in order that someone else can experience it. I assume the hardships and injustices, so that I may fully understand and be empathetic to others in the world. I do not take them on as a replacement for the pleasure in my life. There is too little joy to escalate the absence of it.
I am truly blessed to have all my experiences, and so I accept and am grateful that I have been entrusted with this balance. It is a gift that I will use for the good of others.
Mark-
2/1/10
I think you should post all these letters on your blog. I know I'm not the only one struggling with these things, and we shouldn't keep your insight to ourselves. As for me, i don't keep secrets when I write (perhaps a fatal flaw it shall prove one day...), so please feel free to share what I wrote.
love,
mark thomas
Friday, February 12, 2010
Joanna from Florida asks, in regard to my suggestions for getting her three-year-old to bed at night....
Erin,
...since we started I've been the one doing the whole bedtime and middle of the night routine. I think I have chosen to go this route because I feel that if I'm doing it I can control how it goes, and if my husband is involved it might not go the same, he's not as patient as i am- I don't want him to mess up all the work I've put into it. At this point do you think he should try? Of course Hayden would rather deal with me and he has an infatuation with playing with my hair. So maybe he would give up and go to sleep earlier if he's not dealing with me??? I just don't want to back track.
What do you think?
Thanks again!
Joanna
What a great and timely question as we approach Valentine’s Day.
A common complaint I hear from women is that, “I have to do it all myself!”
Yet, I set it up that way because I have faith in my efficiency and conviction in my goals.
I look back on when I first fell in love. Devoted to my man and our relationship, I had confidence that we would take on the world, side by side, hand in hand. Then, I woke up one day to find that the love of my life had a thought process that conflicted with mine, and self-assurance which left me competing. I was suddenly tripping over his sweet quirky ways that were once so endearing. To regain my balance I forged ahead in my determination, assuming he would follow. Instead, he honored my resolve and observed my competence from the comfort of our couch.
In answer to your question, it might be easier for you to continue the bedtime routine on your own, but in doing so you lose a valuable asset---your partner.
You benefit from trusting that your husband is capable and loving, even when his approach is different. Chances are, he too, wants Hayden to go down without a struggle, and to sleep through the night. Encouragement will go much further than belittling his effort.
Discussions that you share regarding your son’s well-being are important. They should happen when the moment is calm, and you have the time to set objectives and brainstorm solutions. It helps if you have similar ideals, but regardless, you should back one another’s intent with open-mindedness, patience, and compromise.
When you work together as a team, the boundaries are cohesive, minimizing the chance that your child will manipulate the situation by pitting one parent against the other. The real winner in this will be Hayden, who may one day become a daddy himself!
What a great gift, to offer yourselves as role models, and a wonderful opportunity to impress upon him the true meaning of family.
...since we started I've been the one doing the whole bedtime and middle of the night routine. I think I have chosen to go this route because I feel that if I'm doing it I can control how it goes, and if my husband is involved it might not go the same, he's not as patient as i am- I don't want him to mess up all the work I've put into it. At this point do you think he should try? Of course Hayden would rather deal with me and he has an infatuation with playing with my hair. So maybe he would give up and go to sleep earlier if he's not dealing with me??? I just don't want to back track.
What do you think?
Thanks again!
Joanna
What a great and timely question as we approach Valentine’s Day.
A common complaint I hear from women is that, “I have to do it all myself!”
Yet, I set it up that way because I have faith in my efficiency and conviction in my goals.
I look back on when I first fell in love. Devoted to my man and our relationship, I had confidence that we would take on the world, side by side, hand in hand. Then, I woke up one day to find that the love of my life had a thought process that conflicted with mine, and self-assurance which left me competing. I was suddenly tripping over his sweet quirky ways that were once so endearing. To regain my balance I forged ahead in my determination, assuming he would follow. Instead, he honored my resolve and observed my competence from the comfort of our couch.
In answer to your question, it might be easier for you to continue the bedtime routine on your own, but in doing so you lose a valuable asset---your partner.
You benefit from trusting that your husband is capable and loving, even when his approach is different. Chances are, he too, wants Hayden to go down without a struggle, and to sleep through the night. Encouragement will go much further than belittling his effort.
Discussions that you share regarding your son’s well-being are important. They should happen when the moment is calm, and you have the time to set objectives and brainstorm solutions. It helps if you have similar ideals, but regardless, you should back one another’s intent with open-mindedness, patience, and compromise.
When you work together as a team, the boundaries are cohesive, minimizing the chance that your child will manipulate the situation by pitting one parent against the other. The real winner in this will be Hayden, who may one day become a daddy himself!
What a great gift, to offer yourselves as role models, and a wonderful opportunity to impress upon him the true meaning of family.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
turner13andrea said…
I feel the same way! I always feel like I have the whole weekend to spend with my husband and kids, and then we go to the gym and do the laundry and other chores, take naps, and make meals...and then it seems the whole day is gone. Any advice for squeezing in fun things while still making sure the house doesn't fall apart?
In response…
This much abbreviated space longs for far more than two days could possibly allow.
I’m mentally coming off a long demanding schedule, so the first thing I need to do is make a healthy transition to my down time; to switch gears so that my manic mind can realign with my desires. Though I am drained come Friday night, it signals the shift from workweek to weekend. Scheduling something different--a movie, dinner with friends, a picnic in the park--anything that defines the break, leaves me more refreshed than if I had planted my worn out being on the couch. It extends my time off.
If I hope to walk away from my weekend feeling revived, I need to be realistic about what I take on. I have learned to say ‘no’, and to reach out when I need help. You can only fit so many birthday parties and soccer games into a two-day stretch! Learn to limit and to carpool.
I also honor what is important to me, time at the gym, reading, a long hike, or a warm bubble bath, and make it a priority rather than a wish list. I set the framework for how my children will parent and so I teach them balance from the onset.
Most importantly, I am gentle with my expectations. I enjoy the spontaneity of letting go, remembering that the shift in schedule is as much a gift as my time off.
In response…
This much abbreviated space longs for far more than two days could possibly allow.
I’m mentally coming off a long demanding schedule, so the first thing I need to do is make a healthy transition to my down time; to switch gears so that my manic mind can realign with my desires. Though I am drained come Friday night, it signals the shift from workweek to weekend. Scheduling something different--a movie, dinner with friends, a picnic in the park--anything that defines the break, leaves me more refreshed than if I had planted my worn out being on the couch. It extends my time off.
If I hope to walk away from my weekend feeling revived, I need to be realistic about what I take on. I have learned to say ‘no’, and to reach out when I need help. You can only fit so many birthday parties and soccer games into a two-day stretch! Learn to limit and to carpool.
I also honor what is important to me, time at the gym, reading, a long hike, or a warm bubble bath, and make it a priority rather than a wish list. I set the framework for how my children will parent and so I teach them balance from the onset.
Most importantly, I am gentle with my expectations. I enjoy the spontaneity of letting go, remembering that the shift in schedule is as much a gift as my time off.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
The Weekend
I, like many, live for the weekend.
It's my chance to sleep in, though I never take it. Why would I want to lose time from my day off?
It's my chance to do whatever my little heart desires---after, of course, I catch up on the tail end of my work week.
I can spend time outdoors! (just got my notice that I need to paint the house trim)
I stay up late and watch movies. Last night I made it past opening credits. A couple more nights and I will have an idea of the plot.
Yes, the weekend affords that much needed break that takes an entire weekend to fall into. Monday morning arrives, I take a deep breath, a sigh of relief, and I'm back on track, yearning for the weekend.
It's my chance to sleep in, though I never take it. Why would I want to lose time from my day off?
It's my chance to do whatever my little heart desires---after, of course, I catch up on the tail end of my work week.
I can spend time outdoors! (just got my notice that I need to paint the house trim)
I stay up late and watch movies. Last night I made it past opening credits. A couple more nights and I will have an idea of the plot.
Yes, the weekend affords that much needed break that takes an entire weekend to fall into. Monday morning arrives, I take a deep breath, a sigh of relief, and I'm back on track, yearning for the weekend.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
